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Trim Your Beard the Right Way!

Trim Your Beard the Right Way!

Ahoy, Mateys!

Last time, the Cap’n opined about beard trimmers. (Ye can find the Cap’n’s musings right here https://blackbeardformen.com/beard-trimmers/) It occurred to the Cap’n that ye might wanna know how exactly ye should go about trimming yer best assets with those new trimmers. Hence, he wrote this here message in a bottle.

First of all, mighty buccaneer, ye don’t even need beard trimmers. Many a pirate simply uses good old-fashioned scissors for a good old-fashioned trim (if said pirate has a long enough beard). No matter if ye use the scissors or the trimmers, here is what ye do:

  1. Start by washing yer best asset. Ye know get rid of the rum stains and the leftover turkey leg. As the Cap’n has told ye many a time: don’t be a daft pirate and spend yer hard-stolen doubloons on overpriced beard shampoos or dry out yer best asset with soap – simply use baby shampoo for yer lovely beard. Ye can’t get any gentler.
  2. Dry yer beard. Should be self-explanatory. Use that thing they call towel. I’ve heard of landlubbers who use blow dryers. Just. Don’t.
  3. Comb your beard. Take a comb. Start at yer ear and move the comb down toward yer jawline. With the grain, matey, not against it. (That one usually be a hard lesson for a pirate to learn.)
  4. Make sure ye got everything ye need. A large mirror, preferably one that has multiple angles, is important. And since ye don’t want to upset yer cabin wench, ye wanna make sure that ye have something to catch the beard trimmings (other than yer sink).
  5. Select the right guard. If yer using an electric trimmer, ye wanna make sure ye have the right guard. Ye don’t wanna shave too much. And ye absolutely don’t wanna forget yer guard. Otherwise, yer liable to shave off yer best asset and who wants that?
  6. Trim yer best asset. Start on the sides. From yer ear holes down the side of yer mug to yer chin. Ye wanna go with the grain again, not against it. Then move on to mustache. From the nose down to the corner of yer mouth. Lastly it’s on to yer chin. Also a downward motion.
  7. Ye might want a clean edge. After yer done trimming yer beard, ye might wanna take an electric trimmer and take the aforementioned guard off. Then ye wanna trim along yer neckline.

And this, my dear swashbucklers, is how ye become a stylin’ pirate.

May fair winds always fill yer sails!

Cheers,

The Cap’n

Beard Trimmers!

Beard Trimmers!

Ahoy, Me Hearties! All of us bearded lads (and ladies, if there be any) sometimes have to deal with trimming our best asset – our beard. And then we moan and groan and hum and haw… because we really don’t want to. Also, we’d have to find the right trimming implements and figure out how… Continue Reading

DON’T DO THAT!

DON’T DO THAT!

Ahoy, Mateys! Normally this here blog be full of good pirate-y advice on how to achieve the perfect beard and bring out yer facial glory so you, too, can be master of the seven seas with a wench in every port. Today the Cap’n has decided to turn his ship from starboard to aft so… Continue Reading

Breaking Bad Beard!

Breaking Bad Beard!

Ahoy, Mateys! Now, the Cap’n is a big fan of Walter White. Ye know, that rascal Heisenberg from New Mexico. The Cap’n especially likes his look. The bald head plus beard makes him seem like a powerful swashbuckler. It’s a trend that’s been around for a while. It has staying power ‘cause of its definite… Continue Reading

GRAYBEARD: A Beardnificent Pirate Tale

GRAYBEARD: A Beardnificent Pirate Tale

By Cap’n Jim Blackbeard for Men    CAPTAIN PHINNEAS J.GRAYBEARD was in a proverbial pickle. Cabin wench “Voracious” Velia Vavoom, as always overflowing her bustier, pressed her cutlass to Graybeard’s crotch and sashayed into his face. “Who be she?” she demanded. “I can smell her all over ye. Who’ve ye been sticking yer belaying pin… Continue Reading

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