Ahoy, Mateys!

Normally this here blog be full of good pirate-y advice on how to achieve the perfect beard and bring out yer facial glory so you, too, can be master of the seven seas with a wench in every port. Today the Cap’n has decided to turn his ship from starboard to aft so to speak. Let’s take a break from the DO’s and look at the DON’T’s.

Why? Ye may ask. ‘Cause the Cap’n keeps getting messages in a bottle through the interwebs which are full of despair – the “after the fact” kinda despair. In other words, some swashbuckler or wayward buccaneer has done something (maybe after he had too much rum) and now regrets it. Unfortunately, lads, if ye do somethin’ really stupid, there isn’t much help after the fact. Hence, below is a list of DON’T’s – things ye should never make yer beard (or yourself) suffer through.

  1. Don’t use soap on yer beard! If somebody gave me a doubloon for every time I utter that statement, I wouldn’t need to maraud my way through the seven seas, ‘cause I’d already be richer than the richest pirate on Earth. Soap dries out yer beard. If ye wanna have the pirate lasses standing in line to stroke yer best asset (the one we’re currently talking about, not the other one) then don’t use soap. Use baby shampoo (or, if ye have too much money and wanna be taken for a ride, beard shampoo.)
  2. Don’t start shaving right away. I know. It’s yer first beard and ye really, really wanna feel like a mighty pirate who has to use a razor otherwise his best asset would conquer the world. When ye first start growing a beard – don’t do anything. I beg of ye. Ye need to let it grow for 4 – 6 weeks first. Ye wanna have an inch or 1 ½ inches of growth before startin’ to style yer best asset. Otherwise, ye won’t know how yer beard grows naturally.
  3. When ye finally start shaving, remember: it’s a marathon not a sprint. In other words, ye don’t wanna jump outta bed in the morning (after hittin’ the snooze button for a full 45 minutes) realize how later ye really are, rush to the bathroom, grab yer razor and go to town for 5 ½ seconds before rushin’ out. Ye know what’ll happen? That’s right! Nicks. Lots of ‘em. And an ill-shaped beard.
  4. Don’t ye ever, ever, ever squeeze ingrown beard hairs. Matey, they are not pimples. (And, I believe, ye shouldn’t squeeze those either.) If ye start squeezing yer ingrown hairs all that’ll happen is that ye’ll infect that spot and ye will end up lookin’ like a hormonal teen as opposed to the mighty swashbuckler ye wanna be.
  5. When ye style yer best asset, don’t just wildly swing the razor into different directions. First, ye need to know what style fits yer pirate mug best. If ye need help in that regard, check out the Cap’n’s blog scroll on that particular topic:

Happy bearding, mateys!

May fair winds fill yer sails. Always!

The Cap’n

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