Breaking Bad Beard!

Ahoy, Mateys!

Now, the Cap’n is a big fan of Walter White. Ye know, that rascal Heisenberg from New Mexico. The Cap’n especially likes his look. The bald head plus beard makes him seem like a powerful swashbuckler. It’s a trend that’s been around for a while. It has staying power ‘cause of its definite advantage for the stylish marauder of the seven seas.

Firstly, it makes ye look powerful and masculine with a hint of brutality. (And who wouldn’t want that?) Think Ragnar Lothbrok from Vikings. All the lassies are falling all over for him. Mateys, don’t we all want the same to happen to us?

Secondly, it can make ye look younger. A lot younger. Come on, pirates, we all know what happens once ye reach yer mid-40s – the hair on yer head starts to thin. (If yer unlucky, it’ll happen a lot sooner. A cousin of mine started going bald at 18.) The hair on our heads slowly starts to disappear. A receding hairline here, a thinning crown there and, at first, we all have the same reaction: we ignore it. Don’t look! It’s just a trick of the light. Until finally we have to admit to ourselves, no, it ain’t the strangely curved mirror. We’re going bald. We’re losing our hair. We’re officially aging. F***k!!! Then many of us do what the Cap’n has come to term “creative combing.” Ye know, spending a lot of time in the morning placing each strand of yer precious hair just so. The ever more uphill battle of looking like ye have a full head of hair has begun! Ye could call it making the glass look full when it’s really half empty. But, buccaneer, at some point we have to admit that the glass doesn’t look full, half full or half empty… it just looks ridiculous. Ye know what I mean… the mateys who are so concerned about how their remaining three-and-a-half hairs are placed on their otherwise blank skull. Just shave yer head already, ye scurvy seadog! You’ll look ten times younger shaving yer head than attempting to make a comb-over look anything but ridiculous. Bruce Willis (who was going bald circa “Moonlighting” – if ye remember the 80s) has been rocking the shaved head look for many decades and his wife is young enough to be his daughter. (And who wouldn’t want that?)

The great thing about shaving yer head, but wearing a beard (as opposed to a completely clean-shaven visage) is that ye get to contour yer mug properly. Let’s face it, beards make us look good because they help us shape our faces. (Unless yer a lassie. If ye be a lassie, then a beard will not make ye look good no matter how well it shapes yer face.) For example, if ye have a weaker chin, ye wanna have a thicker beard, ‘cause it’ll give the impression of a more robust jawline. If ye wanna know what style fits ye best, check out the Cap’n’s quick guide here:

What styles are common in the bald with beard section? Here are what seem to be the most common styles: the goatee together with the bald head – the aforementioned Walter White look. Also very common is bald with stubble – think Vin Diesel or Jason Statham in every B action movie ever made. The most common style, though, seems to be the bald head with full beard. If yer into soccer, think Tim Howard. If yer not into soccer, think every hipster currently residing in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. What matters most here is rule number one – if it makes ye look good, wear it! (And who wouldn’t want that?)

Wishing you smooth sailing and fair winds.


The Cap’n

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