Last time, the Cap’n opined about beard trimmers. (Ye can find the Cap’n’s musings right here https://blackbeardformen.com/beard-trimmers/) It occurred to the Cap’n that ye might wanna know how exactly ye should go about trimming yer best assets with those new trimmers. Hence, he wrote this here message in a bottle.
First of all, mighty buccaneer, ye don’t even need beard trimmers. Many a pirate simply uses good old-fashioned scissors for a good old-fashioned trim (if said pirate has a long enough beard). No matter if ye use the scissors or the trimmers, here is what ye do:
- Start by washing yer best asset. Ye know get rid of the rum stains and the leftover turkey leg. As the Cap’n has told ye many a time: don’t be a daft pirate and spend yer hard-stolen doubloons on overpriced beard shampoos or dry out yer best asset with soap – simply use baby shampoo for yer lovely beard. Ye can’t get any gentler.
- Dry yer beard. Should be self-explanatory. Use that thing they call towel. I’ve heard of landlubbers who use blow dryers. Just. Don’t.
- Comb your beard. Take a comb. Start at yer ear and move the comb down toward yer jawline. With the grain, matey, not against it. (That one usually be a hard lesson for a pirate to learn.)
- Make sure ye got everything ye need. A large mirror, preferably one that has multiple angles, is important. And since ye don’t want to upset yer cabin wench, ye wanna make sure that ye have something to catch the beard trimmings (other than yer sink).
- Select the right guard. If yer using an electric trimmer, ye wanna make sure ye have the right guard. Ye don’t wanna shave too much. And ye absolutely don’t wanna forget yer guard. Otherwise, yer liable to shave off yer best asset and who wants that?
- Trim yer best asset. Start on the sides. From yer ear holes down the side of yer mug to yer chin. Ye wanna go with the grain again, not against it. Then move on to mustache. From the nose down to the corner of yer mouth. Lastly it’s on to yer chin. Also a downward motion.
- Ye might want a clean edge. After yer done trimming yer beard, ye might wanna take an electric trimmer and take the aforementioned guard off. Then ye wanna trim along yer neckline.
And this, my dear swashbucklers, is how ye become a stylin’ pirate.
May fair winds always fill yer sails!