Now, as ye surely know, today is Ash Wednesday. And that means one thing – Mardi Gras has come to an end – always a very sad realization for us pirates who enjoy carousing, drinking, and flirting with busty wenches. To make ye buccaneers feel better, the Cap’n has a Mardi Gras story for ye. Needless to say, like all of the Cap’n’s stories, this involves the beard. Because, really, what in life doesn’t involve a beard? Ey?
Many moons ago, there was a lad named Marty Grass. Marty was a poor lad from a poor family. He had signed on as a deckhand on a Royal Navy ship when he was just a wee lad. They worked him hard and they mistreated him, but hoping for a chance to turn his fortunes around, Marty gritted his teeth and kept on working. Until one day, ho, in the distance there it was: the Jolly Ranger. The pirate flag was bearing down on this large Royal Navy ship. It was all hands on deck. But the crew didn’t stand a chance against Cap’n Blackbeard and his brave swashbucklers. The Royal Navy was subdued in no time at all. Then Cap’n Blackbeard, his fearsome beard ablaze, stepped onto Marty’s ship. He told the crew that they would take their cargo and then they could be on their way or they could join him. Marty knew that his opportunity had arrived and he jumped at the chance to sail with Cap’n Blackbeard.
The months flew by. Marty became a full-blown pirate and loved every minute of it. The camaraderie, the carousing, and, of course, the swashbuckling. Still, sometimes Marty was lonely and he wished he had a pretty lass waiting for him in a harbor. Marty’s problem was his shyness. He thought himself too young and inexperienced to successfully approach a lass. One of the other mates gave him this here piece of advice: Lad, grow yerself a beard. It’ll make ye look and feel manlier and ye’ll be more confident with the wenches.
Now, this seemed like good advice to our friend Marty and he immediately stopped shaving. After a couple of days, the hair on his chin started to sprout. Marty was all excited. He kept checkin’ his mirror while jumpin’ up and down. The days turned into weeks. And Marty had a beard. Well… sort of. Marty had a sort of beard. Here’s the thing: Marty – maybe because he was quite young or maybe because of his DNA – had thinning and balding patches in his beard. It didn’t make him seem manly or virile. It made him seem like he was trying too hard without gettin’ close to success.
Marty was devastated. Especially since the time of Mardi Gras was approaching and the crew had decided to dock in New Orleans for the festivities. Marty had hoped to persuade one of the pretty lasses to pine away for him while he was at sea and welcome him with open arms upon his return. But, looking at his patchy beard in the mirror, he despaired. What lass would want him now?
Cap’n Blackbeard found little Marty cryin’ into his rum one night and asked what ailed him so. Marty told the Cap’n about his beard troubles. The Cap’n laughed heartily and told the lad: try this here tube. It’ll cure yer ills. With that, the Cap’n handed Marty a gleaming tube of Blackbeard for Men. Marty didn’t know what to do with it. The Cap’n explained that Blackbeard for Men doesn’t only get rid of gray hairs in yer beard, it also fills in gaps and bald patches makin’ yer beard look full and lustrous. Marty took the tube, ran to the mirror and immediately applied it. He couldn’t believe his eyes. There he was, little Marty… well, formerly little Marty… now looking fit, masculine, and virile. Marty thanked the Cap’n profusely.
When the ship finally docked in New Orleans, Marty became the center of the Mardi Gras celebrations. All of the pretty lasses tried catching his eye. He was surrounded by busts…. err, pirate ladies… and finally felt like the manly man pirate he always wanted to be.
And thus concludes the story of Marty Grass and his beard. According to Marty Grass’ diary – for he lived a long and well-documented life – from that day forward, he never left his cabin without a tube of Blackbeard for Men in his pocket. He attributed his success in life – he became a rich Cap’n with a gorgeous lass by his side and many strapping children – to his use of Blackbeard for Men.
Mateys, wishing you fair winds and smooth sailing.