In his last blog scroll, the Cap’n mentioned “Friendly Mutton Chops” and that seems to have pricked the ears of the discerning pirate, ‘cause we got a few emails with questions about those Friendly Mutton Chops. Or maybe there are many fans of that rascally swashbuckler Wolverine on this here ship, since he sports the aforementioned mutton chops.
Here are a few of the famous lads with mutton chops. Martin van Buren as well as Chester Arthur wore quite bushy ones – yeah, the history books tend to skip over them since they were only one-term Presidents, but surely their chops deserve a mention. Famous playwright Henrik Ibsen outdid even van Buren when it came to the bushiness of his chops — maybe they were the true reason Hedda Gabler offed herself. If ye want to look to more contemporary celebs to get yer chops on – dearly departed Lemmy from Motorhead is a great example.
Now, before we talk about how to get those great chops let’s first talk about the difference between “mutton chops” and “friendly mutton chops.” It can be summed up in one word: the mustache. (Oops, that was two – the Cap’n may have had a tiny tea cup full of rum early in the day.) Mutton chops are essentially very wide sideburns growing all the way down and along yer jawline connecting to the corners of yer mouth, if ye wanna make ‘em friendly, then ye add a mustache.
Why do buccaneers such as ourselves like those chops? ‘Cause they shape the jawline and highlight the chin – just like they do for Wolverine – even if ye can’t grow bone claws.
How do ye grow and shape those friendly mutton chops? Well, ye scallywags, it’s important that the hair throughout yer beard be the same length before ye try to shape it into mutton chops or friendly mutton chops. If ye already have a beard, it might be easiest for ye – oh, the heresy, it hurts to give ye that advice – shave and start from scratch. Sorry, mateys, I hate to use the s-word, but really, it’ll make yer pirate lives a lot easier. When yer new beard – the one where ye got equal length – is about six weeks old, get those razor blades and shave the hair on yer chin and neck. How much, ye may ask? Draw an imaginary vertical line down from the corners of yer mouth, that’s how much chin hair ye have to take off.
Leave yer mustache and sideburns alone. Ye want them to grow and grow until they meet and can give each other a friendly pirate handshake. Yer sideburns should grow to the corners of yer mouth and yer mustache should grow down to meet ‘em and say “ahoy.” The bottom edge of yer sideburns should be trimmed from yer neck to yer jawline. The edge of the jawline should be the edge of yer sideburns. After that, ye need to get a beard trimmer and do some shaping (some pirate recently called that “manscaping” – I had him walk the plank for that – he’s now fish food). Ye need to shape the area around yer mouth – ye know, just above where yer sideburns and yer mustache shake hands. Ye want to draw a sideburns line – with the trimmer, not the magic marker – diagonally down towards the corners of yer mouth. Start directly under yer cheekbones and leave about 1.5 inches of hair across yer rascally cheeks. And, matey, be careful. Remember what yer mother told ye: measure twice, cut once. To be a truly stylish pirate, ye wanna ensure that the hair of yer mustache and the hair of yer sideburns has the same length.
Get yerself those chops and if ye have any questions, the Cap’n and his crew are always here to answer them.