Ye may have heard yer lady pirate exclaim at some point: “oh, no! I’ve got split ends!” And then ye may have thought to yerself: “what’s the lass talkin’ about?” We are men! We are manly men! We are pirates! Certain things just go way over our heads. Ladies and lasses (should ye have stumbled onto this here blog) there are certain things we’re simply not wired for. That’s why we always tell ye that ye “look fine” when ye ask. ‘Cause we really don’t know what else to say. On the bright side, if yer upset ‘cause yer most recent eyebrow threading was a fail — don’t worry, we won’t know or care. So, why is the Cap’n blabbing on about this? Well, apart from the fact that he likes the sound of his own voice, he wants to talk about split ends. Not the split ends the lasses gripe about, but the split ends that can happen to the manliest of manly pirates – beard split ends.
What exactly are beard split ends? Well, ye see, the strands of hair on yer beard can get frayed at the ends. They can split in two. How do ye know that this is happening? It’s simple. Yer beard will start to look somewhat unkempt. Then it will quickly go from somewhat unkempt to I’ve-been-living-in-a-cave-so-long-that-I’ve-translated-Tolstoy’s-collected-works-into-all-languages-known-to-men-and-carved-them-into-rock-with-a-toothpick. In other words, it’ll show! You’ll also feel it. If ye stroke yer pride and joy – no, the other one — and suddenly it feels rough to the touch, then ye know ye’ve got split ends.
The best way to treat those split end buggers is to prevent them from appearing in the first place. When the hair on yer beard dries out, then yer in danger of gettin’ those dreaded split ends. So ye need to prevent yer beard from drying out. How do ye do that? Firstly, don’t – I repeat (times a hundred) – don’t wash yer beard with soap. No matter how many times the Cap’n tells ye, many of ye swashbucklers still seem to insist on treating yer beard in the same way ye treat yer body. And the result is a dry beard. Use shampoo – yer dealin’ with hair here, matey. And if ye wanna go all the way out, then use a specially formulated beard shampoo. After yer cleaned yer best asset, use a conditioner. It locks in the moisture and prevents yer beard hair from becoming dry and brittle. If ye paid attention before, ye know that is what causes split ends. Ye also wanna make sure to trim yer ends on a regular basis. No, I’m not talkin’ about castrating yer very manliness. I’m talkin’ about a bit of a snip here and a bit of a snip there, which will not only make ye seem like a well-groomed pirate, but also prevent split ends.
Now that we covered the things you should DO to avoid split ends, here are the things you should NOT DO if ye wanna avoid those buggers. Don’t blow dry yer beard. Don’t laugh. I know buccaneers who do just that. Yer dryin’ out yer beard if ye do that. So, don’t! I’ve even known a strange pirate who insisted on using a hot iron on his beard. What are ye’? A contestant on The Bachelorette? I left him marooned on a lonely island with a bottle of rum and his iron – he’s probably still looking for an outlet. The next thing ye shouldn’t do is dye yer beard. Ye know, soak it in smelly ammonia and other chemicals. But since yer readin’ the Cap’n’s blog scroll ye know that there are other options and ye don’t need to fry yer tender beard just to hide the gray hairs. Personally, the Cap’n suggests using Blackbeard for Men (but I’m sure, oh, buccaneer, ye already guessed that).
To sum it up: do shampoo, moisturize and trim; don’t dry, dye or fry.
As always, the Cap’n and his crew are happy to answer any questions ye may have. May fair winds fill yer sails and the next port be full of aged rum and ample-bosomed wenches.