Last week we talked about takin’ care of yer eyebrows. This week we wanna talk about yer sideburns. And, yeah, we’re using the “royal we” here, since the Cap’n not only talks about himself in the third person but is also multi-faceted.
So, let’s talk about yer sideburns. Here is the most important question ye got to ask when grooming yer sideburns: what style fits my face?
First of all, ye need to look at yer hairstyle. Ye need some balance between yer hair and yer sideburns. Ye don’t want a military haircut together with disco-era sideburns. That just doesn’t go together. Secondly, if yer facial hair growth is on the slimmer side, don’t try to go all Burt Reynolds. Slim sideburns will do nicely. Thirdly, pirate, where do ye spend most of yer days? If ye on the Cap’n’s vessel, then grow yer sideburns any which way ye want. If, however, yer more of a landlubber and maybe have an office job with certain unspoken rules, then ye might wanna opt for more conservative sideburns.
Now, let’s talk about the shape of yer face. If ye have more of what we used to call a moon face — in other words, if yer mug be rather round — then ye want to make sure that yer sideburns counterbalance that a bit. They should be longer and not all that bushy. That’ll help slim yer face. If yer have a rather square face, ye wanna go really long on yer sideburns, cause they even it out a bit. If yer face be oval, don’t go too long, cause that will elongate yer face. A medium length sideburn is good for that facial shape. If yer face is oblong — long and often narrow — then ye want to go with long, thick sideburns, cause they add width. If ye have more of a triangle face — a very wide jaw — longer sides (preferably tapered) will balance everything.
And what if yer sideburns turn gray? Fear not, swashbuckler, we’re here to help. Ye can use Blackbeard for Men on yer sideburns as well. The Cap’n does it every single day. Yes, mateys, I’ve progressed from using Blackbeard on my beard, then on my sideburns, and now, on my beard, sideburns, and eyebrows. I might be gettin’ older… but that doesn’t mean I have to look it.