A Pirate Lady’s Opinion on Beards

Ahoy Mateys of the Cap’n!

I was asked to give my five doubloons worth of an opinion on the subject of beards and how the lasses might feel about them. My unequivocal opinion on the subject is: well, it depends!

Look, swashbucklers, many men wear a beard nowadays (and some women, too). Beards are the very much in-style accessory for every manly-man face. And many a time, the lasses will find that quite attractive. At least from afar. Stop me if this scenario sounds familiar, pirate: Ye meet a fine damsel at a swanky watering hole. Ye start courting that fine damsel. Ye buy her rum and some hard tack and things go swimmingly. At some point, ye may even get lucky and convince said damsel to return to yer cabin. Ye take the plunge with the plunger, pop the cork, explode the fireworks, plant yer flag, reach yer destination… all right, enough with the euphemisms. Ye get lucky, okay. In fact, not only do ye get lucky, but ye get lucky and luckier and luckiest. In other words, ye keep good company with above mentioned fine damsel. And before ye know it, buccaneer, ye are in an actual relationship. Ye know, where ye check in with the lass… a lot. Ye ask her before ye make plans to go marauding with yer fellow pirates. Yer weekends are kinda pre-booked. Yer watching “The Notebook” and ye don’t mind. All is hunky-dory, right? Until that day. That dreadful day. A few weeks into the relationship. The day the lass uses these fateful words: “I don’t really like yer beard.”

Time slows down until the world stops completely. There is a ringing in yer ears that sounds like a fog horn. Yer breath quickens. Yer sight goes blurry. Finally, ye manage to stammer something like: “Since when?” And to yer utter surprise and amazement she says: “Well, I never really liked yer beard.” What? Ye think. And then, what? What!? WHAT!? Being the sensitive damsel that she is, she notices that ye didn’t take that well. Now she’s worried that she has hurt yer feelings and says something like: “I didn’t want to hurt yer feelings. That’s why I didn’t tell you earlier.” Yer stunned. Ye can feel the blood draining from yer noggin’. Then she asks: “What are ye thinking?” And ye think: “Thinking? I don’t think.” Or: “Oh, no, what does she want me to say?” Or “Am I gonna get in trouble?” Matey, no matter how ye handle this situation, it ain’t good. Ye know what this is? This is the first crack in yer shiny new relationship. And ye know what follows that crack? That’s right! More cracks. And cracks and cracks. Until the whole thing breaks to pieces because there are way too many cracks. Yes, that was my best Woody Allen impression. Now, ye don’t want that to happen. Ye don’t wanna screw it up with the fine damsel. Ye don’t want to break up yer relationship. And ye certainly don’t wanna be Woody Allen.

Here is how you can prevent any of the above from happening: make sure yer beard has lady approval!

Take the following steps and ye will never have to worry:

1. Yer beard should fit yer face. In other words, ye should look good without a bag over yer noggin’. Here is some good advice on how to achieve that: https://blackbeardformen.com/shape-yer-beard/

2. Yer beard can’t be too scratchy or patchy. Check out this article: https://blackbeardformen.com/get-thick-beard/

3. Ye wanna make sure that ye don’t get the unsightly red pustules knowns as ingrown facial hair  (https://blackbeardformen.com/beware-ingrown-facial-hair/) or razor bumps (https://blackbeardformen.com/beard-help-remedies-razor-bumps/) or beard dandruff (https://blackbeardformen.com/help-beard-dandruff/)

4. Ye don’t wanna go gray. It’ll make ye look old and the fine damsel run away. Here is the Cap’n’s advice: https://blackbeardformen.com/help-im-turning-gray/ and a fun story to illustrate the point can be found here: https://blackbeardformen.com/swashbuckler-take-care-yer-best-asset/

5. In general, try to avoid these beard care mistakes: https://blackbeardformen.com/beard-care-mistakes/

6. And if all else fails, remind the lass how awesome beards are: https://blackbeardformen.com/beards-are-awesome/

As always, pirates, if ye have any questions, the Cap’n and the crew would love to hear from ye.

A Pirate Lady

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