Life (and Price) Hacks for your Beard!

Ahoy, Mateys!

Yer Cap’n was just surfing the interwebs to stay on top of what the beard community is chewing the fat about and noticed a very, very concerning trend: people tryin’ to sell ye shite in the disguise of informative blog posts. And all the Cap’n can say to that is “Argh!” That wasn’t a hearty pirate “Arr!” That was a derisive, angry “insert expletive” exclamation.

Without wantin’ to toot me own horn – well, what the heck, I love tootin’ me own horn – this here blog scroll has never and will never insert “buy now” links into its advice column. Buccaneers, use yer noggin’, how far can ye trust someone’s advice if all they want to do is sell you shite? Answer: ye can’t.

Lemme quickly step onto my Cap’n’s soap box: I friggin’ abhor the fact that everywhere ye go someone is tryin’ to sell ye stuff proclaimin’ that ye absolutely need this or that to lead a happy life. Only if ye possess (insert this, that or the other item ye really don’t need) will ye be who you want to be. What boggles the mind even more is that people fall for it hook, line, and sinker. (Hey, I like seafood as much as the next person, but come on…) The reason this mass deception is so successful might be ‘cause those swarthy scoundrels hide their real goal – to sell ye shit – in what purports to be good advice.

The Cap’n just read this doozy in another beard blog which shall remain unnamed:  “Just like with any products you buy, the more you pay for it the better it’s going to be and work for you.” Really? Really?? Really??? Are you f***ing shitting me???

So that’s why the Cap’n has decided to list some life hacks for yer beard. Ye don’t need any of the expensive shit they’re tryin’ to sell ye. Ye can achieve the perfect beard with stuff that ye probably already have in yer cabin.


Beard Combs: They’re a big thing now. (When I was growing up, ye only found them in burlesque theaters, but to each his own.) Lots of handmade ones around it seems. Needless to say, as with everything handmade, the price tag reflects that. What, ye may ask, is the main difference between a beard comb and a regular hair comb? The price tag, pirates, the price tag. Here is the only questions ye need to ask yerself when tryin’ to decide what to brush yer beard with: Is yer beard long and thick? In that case, ye wanna make sure that yer using a comb with long, wide teeth. If yer beard is more closely cropped, then ye can get away with smaller teeth. In general, a wooden comb is better than a plastic one, ‘cause it pulls out fewer hairs.  And, yes, that’s it. That’s all there is to it. If ye now go out and spend a whole wad of cash on an actual “beard” comb that ye don’t need, I’ll make ye walk the plank.

This photo has nothing to do with this article, pirates. Arr.

Razors: Everyone everywhere seems to be toutin’ this type of razor or that type of shaver tryin’ to get ye to plunk down a few hundred bucks to get that perfect accoutrement to shape yer best asset with. Newsflash, boys and girls (well, probably mostly boys) it doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks. Don’t use a particular type of razor just ‘cause someone is tryin’ to convince ye that it’s best for ye. Ye should make yer choice – safety razor, electric shaver, cartridge razor, etc. – depending on what type of swashbuckler ye are. Do ye want the closest shave possible? Do ye tend to skin irritation? Do ye have a steady hand? That’s what counts. Not somebody’s opinion! The Cap’n wrote a blog post on how to pick the right shaving device for the person you are. Here ‘tis: Yer welcome!

Beard Oil: Everyone’s talkin’ about it. And everyone seems to be makin’ it, too! Seriously, how many thousands of “handcrafted brands of beard oil” are around? Every bearded dude with a kitchen seems to have one and charges for it accordingly – see above quip about “handmade.” First of all, if ye take care of yer beard correctly, ye shouldn’t need beard oil. (See below on how to do that.) Secondly, if yer willing to spend forty bucks on 5 ounces of something, then I’ve got a bridge I’d like to sell ya’. Here is what to do if ye notice some split ends and dryness creepin’ into yer facial forest – I learned that from a pirate lass many moons ago and it has stood the test of time: Clean yer best asset and then grab a bottle of olive oil from yer cupboard, liberally apply the olive oil to yer beard and cover it up with plastic wrap or foil (which ye can also find in yer kitchen). I like to do that when I sit on me throne (yeah, that one) and read me magazines or have me plants kill zombies on my smartphone. (Too much information?) When I be done, I remove the wrap from my beard and wash out the olive oil. The result? A perfectly smooth best asset and a still-thick change purse.

Beard Shampoo/Conditioner: Same joke as before applies. What’s the difference between hair shampoo and beard shampoo? Mostly the price, matey, mostly the price. Ye want the gentlest possible beard shampoo or conditioner for yer best asset? Of course ye do. Ye know where to find it? In the baby aisle of yer local drug store. Anything with the word “baby” in it is as chemical-free and hypoallergenic and gentle as ye can find it. Store brand is fine. Now, go around the corner, spend five bucks and buy baby shampoo for yer beard. If after all that, ye insist on spending fifty bucks on a bottle of “beard” shampoo half the size of a regular bottle of baby shampoo (and with more damaging chemicals in it) then yer just a chump and I can’t help ye.

Mateys, hope all that info helps yer life and yer wallet. Remember, yer a pirate, not an easily bamboozled landlubber. Now let’s hear the hearty pirate “Arr!”

May fair winds fill yer sails!


The Cap’n


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