Ahoy, ye swabs!
This be the Cap’n’s favorite time of year. First of all, I get to take a couple days off work. Can I get a big ARRR! for that? Secondly, the Cap’n be no piker. I take great joy in finding just the right gifts fer me mates and me loved ones. Now I know many of ye likely find holiday gift shopping arduous. First of all, it costs ye most of yer doubloons for a good month or two (arrgh,) It’s time-consuming and thus a pain in the keister; and worst of all, what the devil to buy?
Now. lads, I be tellin’ ye right now, if any of ye be buyin’ perfume and chocolates fer yer significant (or insignificant) other, ye be doing it all wrong. Or even worse — a gift card. I’ll keelhaul ye on the spot! Gift cards be the single laziest gift since Eve gave Adam the apple just because it was right there on the bleedin’ tree.
Scoundrels, the Cap’n’s trick to great gift-giving be simply to pay attention and give it some thought. If ye be interfacing with the person on any sort of regular basis, chances are ye’ve gotten to know that person a wee bit. Ye know their tastes in music, food, politics, possibly even — if ye’ve really been listening — stuff. So why not show that person that ye give a rodent’s derriere with a gift that reflects that ye do in fact know the first thing about them?
But it doesn’t stop there, scalawags — because just because ye know yer girlfriend likes Culture Club (yeesh — God help ye, but just for the sake of argument) — simply buying her a Culture Club CD is probably going to be a nonstarter. It be *still* lazy, and she probably already has it. So take it to the next level and try to find something special, unique. For example, perhaps there be an autographed photo of Boy George on eBay ye can grab for a paltry twenty spot. Or maybe ye can find a local Culture Club cover band and buy tickets — or find any cover band and slip them a few coins and ask them to play “Do You Really Want to Hurt me?” and dedicate it to the lass or lad. All of that would be far more appreciated than a bottle of Chanel No. 69, I can assure ye.
Er, unless she specifically asks for that, in which case: BUY THE BLOODY THING. Ye’ll look like a right cheap git if ye don’t!
Now of course there be one other gift idea I must share with ye, and in case ye haven’t guessed… how about a lovely 3-pack of hypoallergenic, instant, brush-on beard color? Arr! Certainly a lovely gift for any pirate, and perhaps even certain pirate spouses. Show yer loved one ye care a LOT by giving them the beard dye alternative that won’t burn their face, give them rashes, or take forever and a day to put on. Blackbeard for Men is not a dye — it’s a patented cosmetic color product designed specifically for men’s facial hair. (Although truth be told, the Cap’n’s mum used it on her eyebrows, she did! May she rest in peace. Love ye, mum!)
So from our poopdeck to yours, here’s wishing all of ye a lovely holiday season.
P.S. Did someone ask about a HOLIDAY SALE? Sorry, lads, yer gonna have to wait a week or two… New Year’s Eve be sounding lovely…