Grow your Beard — Quickly!

Ahoy, Mateys!

As ye know, a lot of cultures view a beard as a sign of a pirate’s virility, as well as of his social status, sexual prowess, wisdom and strength. Even Charles Darwin thought that the process of sexual selection may have led to beards. Contemporary biologists agree, since a majority of lasses find men with beards more attractive than men without beards. (Now, swashbucklers, if that doesn’t convince you to grow yer best asset as quickly as ye can, I don’t know what will.) Warriors, conquerors, emperors, as well as philosophers, artists, and athletes have chosen the bearded lifestyle. Matey, ye are in good company.

And because of that, pirates sometimes get impatient with the progress of their facial hair. Every morning, ye waddle to the bathroom mirror, hoping for an overnight miracle only to discover that yer beard is seemingly the same as it was yesterday… or last week. Ye know what they say about a watched pot… doesn’t friggin’ boil. Ye do need patience when first growing a beard. There is no way around it.

However, there are some steps you can take to speed up that wayward beard a bit.

The most important step would be to take good care of yer body. Your beard will reflect the condition yer body is in. In other words, if yer strong and healthy, yer beard will be strong and healthy, too. Firstly, ye need to watch what ye put into yer body. Protein is great for yer beard growth. Think lean meats and fish. Ye absolutely wanna avoid Aunt Erma’s chocolate pudding and any other refined sugars, as well as too much saturated fat. Secondly, watch yer stress levels. A stressful life (as well as not enough sleep) leads yer testosterone levels to plummet. (For more info about the connection of Testosterone and Beard Growth, check out this blog entry: Thirdly, exercise that pirate body of yours. Ye need to get that blood pumping. Literally! ‘Cause improved circulation will aid beard growth.

Then ye need to find a way to live through the “itchy phase.” Sorry, swashbuckler, there is really no way around it. When yer beard first comes in, there will be some itching. Some pirates itch more than others, but all do. Take heart, it won’t last forever, just about a month. And after that, it’ll be a distant memory and ye’ll have a magnificent beard to show for it. Here is some good info from Cap’n Jim on how to handle that time period:

Next, ye need to leave yer beard alone. One would think that’s the easy part. After all, what I’m asking you to do is… well, nothing. But, pirate, that is often the hardest thing to do. Yet, do it you must. Ye can’t attempt to shape or trim yer beard for at least the first month. Only start grooming once ye have at least an inch of beard growth to show. Otherwise, ye’ll end up with a mess. Ye have to wait long enough to see which way the wind is blowing. Or, in our case, which way the beard is growing naturally, before ye can attempt to prune.

Good luck and good beard!

As always, the Cap’n likes to hear from all of the fellow pirates. Feel free to shoot us an email or comment below.


The Cap’n

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