How to get the PERFECT MUSTACHE!

Ahoy Mateys!

Some of the crew have been askin’ what to do with that space between their nose and their upper lip and, as ye know, the Cap’n be a big fan of the mustache. Now, a mustache is often like buried treasure — it doesn’t look like much until ye dig it out properly. So here be Cap’n Jim’s advice on how to grow the perfect mustache:

When ye start growing a mustache, the hair above yer lip can look rather thin and wispy at first — makin’ ye feel like yer a sophomore in high school again who is desperately tryin’ to look more manly and the cheerleaders are still unimpressed. And we don’t wanna go there, do we now? So grow out all of yer facial hair until yer mustache is the right kind of manly for yer swashbuckler self. Once that has happened, simply cut the rest of yer beard. Freddy Mercury will have nothin’ on ye then. Ye do need to be patient there, matey, ’cause facial hair growth can be glacially slow. Sometimes it takes weeks. But ye will get there eventually.

After that, ye need to sculpt yer mustachio. The first thing you, my matey, should do is invest in a good quality trimmer.  It’s a lot easier to shape yer mustache with an electric trimmer than with yer basic razor. Hey, that be the reason you use yer basic razor to take all of yer hair off. But we don’t want that. So venture forth to the store, pirate, and buy ye a good electric trimmer. They shouldn’t run ye more than and it’s money well spent. After all, yer mug (together with yer peg leg) be yer best asset. Once yer mustache is all nice and shapely, ye can just trim stray hairs or over-the-lip growth with scissors, which is the easiest way to go about that.

Then ye need to maintain yer mustache. It’s quite simple to do that — trim all the stuff ye don’t want. Ye know, the stuff on yer cheek and under yer mouth. Most mustaches extend down to the sides of yer mouth. That be yer demarcation line so to speak.

Ye don’t want just a basic mustache? Ye want to get creative so to speak? Make sure whatever mustache ye strive for suits yer face. ‘Cause not every mustache suits every face (and different pirates have different facial hair growth patterns, which ye need to think about). Shorter mustaches are best for pirates who’ve got very thick or very coarse facial hair. A shorter mustache could be a so-called pencil ‘stache — find a picture of R Kelly and ye know what I mean — or a boxcar ‘stache, which ends before it lets to the corners of yer mouth.

Ye can have a longer more bushier ‘stache, if yer facial hair is a bit straighter. Those would be the porn ‘stache — think Tom Selleck driving through the Hawaiian sunshine. It’s full from lip to nose, but doesn’t (that be the salient point) hang over yer upper lip. Then there’s the walrus ‘stache, popularized by Teddy Roosevelt. If ye want a ‘stache like that, then what ye have to do is… well… nothin’. Only shave yer cheeks and leave the rest alone. Soon, you too will look like a big game hunter. A note of caution: in pirate parlance we call that type of mustache wench repellent. (You’ve been warned.)

Mateys, it really comes down to one thing: what looks good on yer mug. Get out yer trimmer, look in the mirror… and have fun. Mind ye, not too much fun. Ye also might need a pirate lass to tell ye what’s good on ye. And, most importantly, don’t drink yer barrel of rum until after yer done shaping yer mustache.


The Cap’n

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