The Cap’n’s Beard vs. the Easter Bunny!

Ahoy, Mateys!

Ye know what happens this week? That’s right! Easter is on the horizon. Which reminds the Cap’n of a story. A story about adventure, treasure and a mighty enemy. The Cap’n has told this story to his pirate crew numerous times. Mostly when he was already knee-deep into his first barrel of rum. (Stories tend to become more interesting when your level of inebriation rises.) Interestingly enough, it’s changed quite a bit over the years. Don’t know how that happened.

Many a tide ago, the Cap’n and his crew of merry swashbucklers spotted a large ship. The sort of vessel ye just know by lookin’ at it that it carries untold riches. The Cap’n hoisted the Jolly Roger and his pirate crew drew their swords and polished their hooks. The Cap‘n knew that whatever the resistance, his crew consisted of the finest buccaneers the seven seas had ever seen. They confidently rushed into battle and emerged victorious in no time at all. Not many visited Davy Jones’ Locker. All in all, a smashing success. Even the Cap’n was stunned by the treasure they found. Untold trunks full of gold, silver, and diamonds. Enough to keep the Cap’n and his crew in rum and ships for the rest of their lives. With some heave ho, they transferred the treasure to their vessel and set sail for the horizon.

Oh, what a merry-making followed! A bacchanal of epic proportions. So epic, in fact, it went on for several days and only stopped when not a drop of rum or ale was left. Once the hangovers vanished and cooler heads prevailed, yer Cap’n got to thinking about the treasure. What to do with it? Where to keep it safe? Surely, at this point the conquered vessel had alerted the Royal Navy and ships were out to hunt for the Cap’n and the treasure. That’s when he heard the “Avast ye!” There was land on the horizon. An island. Beautiful and green… and off the map. This might just be the perfect place for the Cap’n’s booty.

The Cap’n and his crew explored this lush island trying to find the perfect spot to bury their treasure when the realization hit them: the island wasn’t uninhabited at all. It was home to an army of bunnies! That’s right! Bunnies! Thousands of them. Suddenly, the Cap’n and his crew were surrounded and outnumbered. By bunnies! We’re not talking regular bunnies. These bunnies were huge and fierce. The bunny leader, a large, snow-white animal with razor teeth, approached the Cap’n. The Cap’n and his crew were sure they’d end up bunny dinner. (Wait! Are bunnies carnivores? Well, these certainly were.)

The bunny leader – who was a bonny lass — was fascinated by the Cap’n’s beard. It sniffed the beard, then it stroked the beard and then it nibbled on the Cap’n’s beard. It almost seemed like the bunny lass wanted to mate. What, oh what, could have brought that on? The Cap’n was terrified he’d be instantly killed if he moved so much as a muscle. And even more terrified of what would happen if he didn’t move. That’s when it finally hit him. Of course! The bunny lass thought he was one of them! Betwixt all of the fighting and merry-making, the Cap’n had forgotten to put on his Blackbeard for Men and now his pride and joy – his beard, of course – was as snow-white as that bunny in front of him. That’s why the bunny lass thought he was one of them! Carefully, oh so carefully, the Cap’n reached into his pocket and pulled out his tube of Blackbeard for Men. He quickly applied it to his beard and instantly turned from bunny bait back to the fearful pirate Cap’n Blackbeard. Shocked and terrified, the bunnies dispersed back into the undergrowth. The Cap’n, thanks to his tube of Blackbeard for Men, was victorious once again. Needless to say, this called for another round of merry-making and celebration. It possibly involved bunny-on-a-stick for dinner. And, thus, ends another adventure of the Cap’n’s.

Now, mateys, what have ye learned? That’s right! Ye can either be bunny bait or a feared pirate Cap’n. Hence, never leave yer house without a tube of Blackbeard for Men, ‘cause I’m sure you don’t want the former. (Or, if ye do, well, I’m sure ye can find some professional help.)

Have a mighty fine holiday weekend!

Cheers,

The Cap’n

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