The Humorous Beard!

Ahoy, Mateys!

The Cap’n here with his favorite subject: the beard. Last week, the Cap’n was jawing about weird beard tidbits from around the globe and apparently many of you swashbucklers weren’t aware of them. Hence, the always thinking Cap’n (especially after a couple of bottles of rum) has decided to continue in a similar style this week. The beard — that all-encompassing subject – is full of wonderment and humor. Below are the Cap’n’s humorous beard observations.

Observation 1: Ye know that landlubber Tarzan, right? Yeah, him. Swinging from vine to vine while rescuing Jane. Here is my question: why is that rascal always clean-shaven? There have been many iterations of Tarzan. He’s been clean-shaven in all of them. The dude lives in the jungle. His English ain’t that good and he wears loincloth. Yet, inexplicably, his face is like a baby’s bottom. Now, does that make any sense? Methinks not. Landlubbers, what can ye expect?

Observation 2: Unlike other parts of your body (the Cap’n won’t elaborate any further) the beard can be as long as ye like.

17th mate Cheecho be not so good yet at perching on me shoulder.

Observation 3: Beards are magical. You never see an ugly man with a beard, but you always see an ugly man without a beard. And often a man who becomes ugly after shaving. Let’s face it, we’ve all had that reaction when one of the crew has forgotten how he really looks without a beard and shaves to find out. Next thing ye hear is screaming… and people jumping overboard into shark-infested waters.  

Observation 4: The only type of person that can’t pull off facial hair no matter what style it’s in is a woman. Mind ye, I’ve seen many a lass try, but, no, it just won’t do.

Observation 5: What’s the worst part of having a beard? Being confused as a hipster. Really. Ye might as well move to Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

Observation 6: Facial hair that is only located under yer lower lip is called a soul patch. Facial hair that only grows in spots on yer neck is called pitiful. Seriously, buccaneer, if that be yer problem, take the Cap’n’s beard tips to heart.

Observation 7: When is yer beard too long? When yer fellow pirates’ comments change from: “Ahoy, I really like yer beard” into “Beard on the horizon.”

Mateys, if ye have any observations of yer own, comment below or email them to us. We’re always happy to hear from ye. And, remember, beards are an acquired taste. If ye don’t like ‘em, acquire some taste.

May fair winds fill yer sails.


The Cap’n

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