Ahoy, all ye lubbers, scoundrels, ruffians, rogues, and salts!
Now I have heard tell among the crew that me reputation may not be as stellar as it once was. Aye, yer Cap’n be known as many things — pirate, lover, entrepreneur, and man about beard. Indeed I have spent many hours pontificating on the subject right here on the Cap’n’s Log (the blog ye be reading, lad, although that brown thing floating in the head be a different kind of captain’s log.) But while I take pride in me spectacular facial hair (which thanks to Blackbeard for Men remains dark brown instead of ghastly white) and run a tight ship, rumors have been spreading that, well… that I be a bit of a lush. That I be sloppy drunk and often wake up on the floor of the ship’s rum cellar or, when ashore, in dumpsters. Well, I am outraged at these insinuations. I have no idea where that ridiculous notion may have come from, but I plan to investigate and have the perpetrators flogged.
Oh, come on now! Who posted that? Is that fair? What kind of chance does that give me? Fine, the Cap’n will confess to a wee love of drink. For what is a life if not lived to excess? And thus it is in the spirit of embracing the irresponsible within us all that I present ye with me five favorite alcoholic beverages. These all-purpose drinks bring the party anywhere, anytime, and best of all, are simple to make.
Ah, the pirate’s best friend — rum. True story — I once sailed with a seaman named Alvin Kahol. Yarr, ol’ Al Kahol didn’t even be needing a fancy piratey nickname like Barnacle Breath Barker or Swarthy Poopdeck McTavish. Sadly, he was hit by a low-flying plane and died at the age of 26, which i guess goes to prove that Al Kahol can be dangerous to yer health. In any event, the Tropical Daydream be so named, lads, for when I discovered this lovely spiced rum drink on the gorgeous Turks & Caicos. A splendiferous dark-skinned lass introduced yer Cap’n to love in a swirl of drunken bliss. This simple drink be now one of me favorite imbibements.
Directions: Open the bottle and pour the rum directly into the big, yawning rum hole in yer face. No need for a glass or lime or ice or any of that fancy nonsense. Ye likely don’t have any of that aboard yer ship anyway. Now even better if it be a nicely spiced rum.
Last year our ship “Queen Anne’s Revenge II” docked at port-of-call: Kona, Hawaii, for a spectacularly tax deductible few days of all the usual Hawaii misery, which included perfect weather, warm, jasmine-scented air, and an immediate and persistent feeling of serenity. On me last night, I came upon this tasty, rather luxurious drink concoction which I named “Hawaiian Sunset” for its golden/amber color.
Directions: Open the bottle and insert into your face. Release the contents of the bottle into your mouth and swallow. Repeat as needed.
#3 Good for What Ales Ya
Lads, I know some of ye don’t go for the fancy mixed drinks like those above. I understand! Liquor can be complicated. For ye lads, I came up with a special concoction just for all ye lads and lasses who favor beer and ale. This particular fermented hops creation delivers all the punch ye come to expect from a fine, robust ale while going down smooth and whetting yer whistle. Best of all, ye urinate it out again almost as quickly as ye drink it — so no need to worry about weight gain!
Ingredients: beer (preferably good beer.)
Directions: Now this may be a bit tricky, but hang in there, privateers! While beers in cans are fairly easy to open with a bit of practice, canned beers be bilgewater. That means bottled beer be the discerning pirate’s only option. And while several brands thoughtfully offer twist-off caps, some of the best beers do not. That’s why the thinking pirate always has his opener handy on his key fob, lads!
#2 James. Cap’n James.
While naturally yer Cap’n has a fondness for cinematic pirates and heroes of all sorts, ye have to give it up to Ian Fleming’s super spy James Bond. If ye’ve ever read any of Fleming’s books, ye will know Bond to be a gifted but fallible operative who could hold his liquor like no one’s business. I must confess that the very first drink I ever ordered in a bar was a “vodka martini, shaken, not stirred.” The beauty of this drink is that it very much adheres to the pirate’s alcohol philosophy: why ruin good alcohol by diluting it with juices, mixers and so forth? Isn’t the point to consume as much alcohol as possible, as quickly as possible? To top it all off, this classic drink may be the single easiest one there be to make.
Ingredients: vodka, lime, lemon or olives, ice
Now I know some fancy boys will tell ye that ye cannot have a proper martini without vermouth. But lads, the phrase “very dry” means very little to no vermouth, and ye know what? Yer vodka doesn’t be needing any other alcohol to help it along. It does just fine by its mighty self! Others of ye may like a “dirty martini.” This means ye pollute yer vodka with some of that atrocious briny olive water. Argh! The only thing dirty about yer martini, lads, should be what ye do after consuming it.
#1 Pirate’s Surprise
Finally, mateys, this one be one I’m sure many of ye can empathize with. It be 4:30 AM Saturday night/Sunday morning, and the liquor cabinet be — gasp — empty. The stores be closed. Ye be SOL. What to do? ye dig through the cupboards! There must be some hooch in there somewhere. Sure enough, what’s this? Some cooking wine? How about these crappy old wine coolers that have been in there for five years? And aha — some cognac. And the party begins again!
Ingredients: whatever the hell ye can be scrounging up
Directions: Consume these however ye like — chug individually, or if ye be a hardy soul indeed, pour all into the same drinking vessel — the “Pirate’s Surprise” — and down the hatch, buccaneers!
Thank ye fer reading, lads! I’ll be back next week with me five favorite hardtack recipes.
May yer mast and yer drink always be stiff.