Today, let’s talk not of the beauty of the beard, but how ye can ruin said beauty. Not that we’d ever do it on purpose. But sometimes even a mighty buccaneer makes mistakes.
Let’s start with an all-too-obvious snafu (yeah, that stands for “situation normal all fucked up” and pretty much describes the Cap’n’s weekend outings):
The beard shaping mistake.
Swashbucklers, let’s face it, we’re all wearing our beards proudly because of the same reason: it makes us look good. When we get up in the mornings and trot into the bathroom, we like what we see in the mirror. It makes us look manly and suave and defines our faces. We need to make sure it stays that way. And really the only way to ensure that is by avoiding shaping blunders. Here is one of the most common “accidents”: shaving your entire neck up to the chin. Some pirates think this sharpens the outline of their face and makes them look thinner. Sorry, matey! In fact, quite the opposite is true: it gives ye a double chin like a landlubber, especially if ye have a couple of extra pounds. (And we kinda all do, right? At least I myself am guilty as charged in that matter.) So, here is the important rule: don’t ever bare yer entire neck when shaving. Leave some stubble behind. It’ll give ye good definition. For more beard shaping guidelines, check out the Cap’n’s post on that particular subject: https://blackbeardformen.com/shape-yer-beard/
Next up on the list of mistakes: don’t become a red hot, bloody mess. Seems like a no-brainer, right? Yet, lots of pirates don’t take enough time to shave. I get it. All of us scurvy, marauding seadogs have busy lives. But that sort of preoccupation can lead to accidents. Trust me, little nicks all over yer mug doesn’t make ye look manly, it just makes ye look like ye don’t know how to shave. Here is what you need to do: if ye want an extremely close shave, ye need to go with a straight razor. Ye also need to add some water to yer shaving cream – makes everything go a lot more smoothly. And always, always go with the grain instead of against it. If ye have the extra minute or so, use a hot towel (wet a dish towel and put it into the microwave for a few seconds then press it to yer face) to open yer pores. That way ye might avoid the most egregious ingrown hairs and nicks.
Speaking of ingrown hairs, here is another mistake many of us manly man swashbucklers make: squeezing ingrown facial hairs.
Look, I get it. They look and act like pimples. They’re little red mountains on yer chin. Sometimes they even hurt. And, we’re men, not squeamish lasses. Hence, we treat ‘em like pimples and squeeze… and squeeze… and squeeze. Until we invariably end up with an infection that’s spreading all over the lower part of our mugs. Simple lesson here: don’t do it! Just don’t! Seriously! It always ends up in the exact same way – you, looking like spring has broken out in yer face. For more info on that particular subject, check out the Cap’n’s blog entry: https://blackbeardformen.com/beware-ingrown-facial-hair/
Avast, me hearties! Sail confidently into fall.