Now sometimes the crew seeks advice, because they have a… shall we say “pirate problem” at home. Their significant other can’t stand their beard. At all. Hate it, they do. And they aren’t shy about letting their pirate know about that. Mind ye, if said pirate be a lass — well, we can understand. But if said pirate be a lad — well, we need to get to work. Because, oh pirate lad, ye can’t cut off yer very manliness and still expect to be a pirate on my ship.
Ye need to talk to yer lass. I’ll guarantee you, she’ll say things like “it makes ye look disheveled.” Is she right? Well, then groom yer mug. Mind ye, I didn’t say shave, I said “groom.” If she says “it’s scratchy” then ye need to stop washing it with soap. Matey, just cause it’s on yer face doesn’t mean ye can treat it like yer skin. It’s hair. Treat it as such. Use the shampoo ye use for yer head. Soap dries out yer beard. And if yer beard is very dry, use conditioner — the stuff yer lass uses for her hair — when yer in the shower and yer beard will stop being scratchy to her. And often the lass will also say “it makes ye look old.” Now, mateys, ye know what to do then. That’s what the Cap’n is here for. Use yer Blackbeard to make yer lass happy.
Now, remember, no more fightin’ cause yer beard is a source of happiness for you AND yer lass.