Often a whole caseload of bottles swims towards the Cap’n’s ship and those bottles contain messages from desperate pirates drowning in questions about beard maintenance. Those poor lads are crying into their rum because they don’t know what to do. There be way too much advice out there. Much of it contradicting and most of it wrong but all of it designed to make brave swashbucklers into floundering landlubbers. Now ye’ve got buccaneers all insecure about their beard because they think they’re not doing enough or they’re doing the wrong thing or they’re not spending enough money or time on their best asset.
No, you don’t need to know the bristle content of every beard brush out there. (Heck, ye don’t even need a beard brush to begin with. If ye need to comb yer best asset, a regular hair brush or comb will do just fine.)
No, you don‘t need to buy a $75 2oz jar of beard oil. (You don’t need beard oil at all. If yer facial hair has split ends put cooking oil – ye know, the stuff ye got in yer kitchen – on yer beard and some cling wrap on top of it and wait an hour. Afterwards, rinse it, clean it, dry it and be surprised at the fact that you don’t have any split ends now and saved a lot of money.)
No, you don’t need to test every beard shampoo on the market. (In fact, ye don’t need to spend yer hard-earned doubloons on beard shampoo at all. Just go around the corner, find a dollar store and buy baby shampoo. It’s the gentlest shampoo ye can get. And cheap, too.)
In short, lads, relax. Yer beard is here to be enjoyed. How much can ye enjoy yer best asset if yer driven to despair? Here is a good exercise for ye: find a nice, big mirror in yer cabin. Look at yer mug with yer best asset. What’s it look like? Manly, right? Stroke yer beard. What’s it feel like? Manly, right? How does it make you feel? Manly, right? So, my dear pirate, what else do ye need?
Seriously, yer beard is supposed to make you feel good about yourself. And ye can’t do that if yer too busy worrying about yer best asset. So ease up, enjoy life and yer beard… and be Zen about the whole thing.
May fair winds always fill yer sails!