The Tale of Valentine Beard!
Ahoy, Mateys!
You know what day is comin’ up. And if ye don’t, the Cap’n is here to remind ye – ‘cause if ye forget, ye know how yer lass is gonna react, right? (Hint: hide yer sword.) So, swarthy swashbuckler, Valentine’s Day is next week. The 14th of February… quickly, mark it in yer calendar. To celebrate this impending doom… err… day… the Cap’n has a story for you:
Once upon a time there was a buccaneer named Valentine Beard. He was the Cap’n of a modest vessel marauding his way through the seven seas. There was a pretty lass in one of the ports and he had been pining away for her for many a season. Valentine’s Day was coming up when he docked in her port – well, unfortunately not literally… even though that’s the thing he had been fantasizing about.
Valentine Beard and his crew went to the tavern where that fetching wench was working. Valentine was by no means an ugly pirate, but he was maturing… so to speak. The gray was creeping into his beard here and there. And sometimes – in the wrong light only – the gray seemed to be sneaking into his sideburns and his eyebrows, too.
Valentine sat in the tavern… and pined… and pined… and pined some more. He tried to come up with the right words to address the lass. “Hey, fetching wench, be mine” and “Lovely lass, sit on my knee” were the top contenders. But mostly poor Valentine just moaned into his ale.
Then, oh, the horror, Cap’n Bagge (first name: Douche) entered the tavern. Baggge was a longtime rival of Valentine’s. Self-assured with a swagger in his step he ordered an ale. The pretty lass immediately caught his eye. Unabashedly Bagge flirted with her and Valentine withered and withered and withered some more. Even his peg leg started to shrivel (no, not that one…. the other one.) All hope was lost. The dark night of the soul was upon him.
But then, lo and behold, the door opens and a bright light appears and, as if couched in a halo, Cap’n Jim steps through the door. (Mateys, ye should know by now that all stories are about me.) Cap’n Jim sees his friend Valentine silently crying into his rum. (He had moved on from ale, ‘cause he needed something stronger at this point.) Jim wanted to know what ailed him and Valentine told him the sordid tale of the pretty lass, the douchebag and his own thoughts of inferiority ‘cause of the gray invasion on his face.
A huge grin spread across Cap’n Jim’s face. (So huge, it almost dislodged his eyepatch.) And, with his hook, he reached into his pocket and – gleaming like treasure – there it was: Blackbeard for Men. Cap’n Jim told Valentine it would give him the confidence to ask the lassie to be his wench. With quite a bit of trepidation, Valentine opened the tube and applied the contents. Suddenly, he was gray no more. In the space of a few seconds he had beaten back the gray invasion. Hallelujah!
Valentine stumbled to a rusty mirror and couldn’t believe his eyes: there he was – but now he was a strapping young swashbuckler again. Ready to take on the seven seas and conquer the lasses. He immediately turned to the wench of his dreams, but before he could even say “be mine” she fell – pining — into his arms and their Valentine’s Day became an epic adventure of the boudoir.
Now, mateys, the Cap’n wants all of you to have a similarly successful Valentine’s Day. Hence, there’s a fantastic sale coming your way next week. Stay tuned!
May fair winds be always at yer back and the lasses fall all over themselves for ye.
Cheers,
The Cap’n
