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Define Your Beard

Define your BEARD!

Ahoy, Mateys!

As ye know, the Cap’n has many terms of endearment for his beard. “My best asset,” “my pride and joy,” “the love of my life,” and “my manly man flag” to just name a few. Hence, the Cap’n thought it’d be a grand idea to see what other pirates called it.

Here is what the Cap’n has come across: “A beard is a collection of hair that grows on the chin and cheeks.” Wow! And the sky above my mast is blue. The Cap’n also found even more prosaic answers like: “The growth of hair on the face of an adult man, often including a mustache.” Be still my heart. The only explanation the Cap’n has for those offensive answers is that the lads or ladies who came up with those definitions don’t have a beard and, hence, know not of what they speak.

And that realization got the Cap’n thinking. Yes, swashbucklers, he confesses. Sometimes he does think deep thoughts. Sitting in his cabin looking out at the sea and at least eight sheets to the wind. So he sailed across the interwebs and read all the messages in a bottle to figure out why and how we define things the way we do. Turns out, different buccaneers have many different answers.

Some opine that we define things so we can control them. Well, let me tell you, I don’t control my best asset, it certainly controls me. Others believe that we’re too dependent on language anyway and that definitions are always problematic ‘cause they’re inherently limiting. Well, let me tell you, lads, the Cap’n doesn’t depend on anything except his rum. Still others believe that we define things so we are able to understand each other and communicate with each other. Now that doesn’t make any sense to the Cap’n. The Cap’n and his crew dock in many pirate bays full of ships flying under many different flags. Do we need words or definitions to communicate with them? No! We meet, we clap each other on the backs (or brawl – depending if we like their looks or not) and then we find a tavern and stock up on the ale. See? No words or definitions needed.

Anyway, after all of this thinking – it’s exhausting I tell ya’ – the Cap’n had an idea. An actual idea! You, my lads (and possibly lassies) can get a FREE THREE-PACK of the Cap’n’s “Blackbeard for Men” -- ye know, the thing that makes his beard so glorious – if ye come up with the absolute best definition of yer best asset (yer beard, of course). The Cap’n and his crew will pick the lucky swashbuckler and send him the liquid gold in the color of his (or her) choice.

Ye can comment below or email us yer answers at

May fair winds fill yer sails!


The Cap’n

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