Ahoy, Mateys!

Last year, the Cap’n opined – after all, he loves opining – on the perfect stocking stuffers for yer best asset. The Cap’n got many messages in a bottle from lads (and even some lassies) who appreciated his frank, knowledgeable and, of course, opinionated opinion on the topic of “best stocking stuffers for yer beard.” Hence, the Cap’n thought it would be a good idea to update his opinionated opinions for this here holiday season.

Needless to say, the Cap’n’s beard still has its very own stocking in the Cap’n’s cabin. And here is what ye can find in it:

Buccaneers, ye already know what to get when ye got that wintry forest creepin’ into yer mug. Blackbeard for Men, of course. Hypoallergenic, easy to use, goes on with lightning speed and looks completely natural. Yup, I’m one proud swashbuckler… and oh so humble.

For the cleaning routine, the Cap’n always suggests baby shampoo/conditioner. Matey, save yerself the money. Ye don’t need overpriced beard shampoo. (And, by the way, why is it that beard shampoo is more expensive than shampoo with which ye wash the hair on top of yer head?) Swashbuckler, if ye use generic baby shampoo, ye’ll be much better off. It’ll treat yer beard as gently as a baby’s head.

Next, let’s talk about grooming items. Ye do need to groom yer mug once in a while, right? But how, brave pirate, do ye choose between all of the available multitude of razors? Ye got electric shavers, straight razors, safety razors, cartridge razors… it makes my buccaneer head hurt.

So what are the pros and cons of all of the different options? Well, let’s start with an easy one: electric shavers. Yeah, I know, I know, there is many a Cap’n out there who would rather eat his peg leg or his very own parrot before using an electric shaver, but ye gotta admit they’re quick and easy to use. So if yer pressed for time, yer best option is the electric shaver. Also, if yer a bit clumsy, ye should go that route. I’ve known my share of mateys who have well-nigh decapitated themselves while grooming their facial hair. Of course, the cons of an electric razor are many. First and foremost, ye know that feeling? That feeling when ye touch yer chin and it feels soft and smooth like a baby’s behind? Not with an electric shaver ye don’t. But ye already know that. Ye simply don’t get a good, close shave with an electric shaver. The question ye have to ask yerself is: are ye willing to exchange that baby’s behind for expediency? Another big con of the electric shaver is skin irritation… and sometimes even acne. Ye know, when ye suddenly look like a pimply cabin sweeper, not a fearsome, manly-man marauder of the seven seas.

Speaking of acne and skin irritation, if that’s a big problem for ye, then ye want to shave with a safety razor. Ye know, the double-edged kind. The double-edged razor gives ye a nice, clean shave. That way ye don’t have to go over yer face several times, like ye do with an electric razor. Hence, there’s a lot less skin irritation. On the downside, yer a lot more likely to nick yerself. See, a double-edged razor needs a handler who has got the technique down, otherwise, there will be blood. Another drawback, if yer a well-traveled pirate, who sometimes exchanges the ocean for the air, is that ye can’t pack a safety razor (or a straight razor) in yer carry-on.

Ye want a really close shave? Then, matey, the cartridge razor is for you. That’s the one also known as a disposable razor. On the pro side: they’re very easy to use. Even if yer a clumsy pirate with a hook instead of a hand, ye probably won’t cut yerself. The downside is that ye have to exchange yer blade frequently. And let’s face it, we’re men! So once the blade is dull, we don’t necessarily exchange it right away like we should. The result is bye-bye close shave and hello skin irritation.

Now let’s talk about that oldie, but goldie: the straight razor. It’s the razor a real barber uses. The razor yer father and yer grandfather used. The razor ye see in old movies. It’s also the razor that’s making a huge comeback these days, because when it comes to a close shave nothing beats the good ole straight razor. If ye have acne, it’s also the way to go. Just imagine, ye wake up in the morning and lumber into yer bathroom. There it is: the leather belt that hangs next to yer sink. Ye grab yer straight razor and sharpen it. Don’t ye feel very masculine now? By the way, that leather belt is called a strop and it’s used to flatten yer blade. The downside of the straight razor is its price tag. It ain’t cheap. There’s also a bit of a learning curve there. Ye will nick yerself a bit before ye’ve got yer technique down. But, like any true pirate, a bit of blood can’t deter us, right?

Well, mateys, hope the Cap’n could be helpful in yer Christmas shopping endeavors. Be nice to yer beard and it will always be nice to you