Beards Make The Man!

Ahoy, Mateys!

Mighty swashbucklers, this one goes under the category “ask not what you can do for yer beard, but what yer beard can do for you.”

Let’s talk about famous men and their beards, ‘cause it may be that the beard made the man famous and not vice versa. Which makes this here article a handy tool in case yer pirate lady or the commander at yer office should give ye a hard time about yer best asset.

We all know Honest Abe and his beard. In fact, we couldn’t imagine Abraham Lincoln without his beard. But did ye know that there was a time when Abe was clean-shaven? I know! Perish the thought. But indeed such was the case one time when he was running for office. Then he received a letter from a wee lass who expressed the sentiment that his face is too thin and that he should “grow some whiskers.” Smart Abe took the lasses advice and grew his famous beard. Who knows? Maybe without that beard, he would never have been known the world over as “Honest Abe” – or at all. The lesson to take away here – yer beard can help yer career!

Ye all know famous artist Salvador Dali – yes, he of the melting clocks. His mustache is so famous, it’s named after him. Or maybe it’s the other way around. His long, twisted upwards mustache became his trademark. What’s the lesson here? If ye have a beard or mustache, ye are a very artistic person indeed!

ZZ Top are the frontrunners in over-the-top beards. But did ye know that Billy Gibbons and Dusty Hill, the band’s frontmen, grew their beards during a touring hiatus without each other’s knowledge? When they came back from “growing season,” they were surprised to realize they both had the same idea. And do ye know what happened then? They shot the music video for “Sharp Dressed Man” and finally found the complete commercial success that had eluded them until that point. And what’s the lesson? Yer beard can make ye famous!

We all know Magnum P.I. Tom Selleck. His mustache is so famous, when he attempts to shave his best asset the whole world falls of its axis (and apparently people stop offering him parts to play).  Now, what does that ‘stache do for Tom (or Magnum)? Ye remember the show, right? That mustache makes him a pirate lady magnet. The wenches can’t help themselves. They see that mustache and fall all over themselves to get to the buccaneer behind the mustache. The lesson is simple: ye wanna be lucky with the ladies, then ye need to wear facial hair!

Wolverine has been everywhere these days. In the comic books and on the silver screen sporting his trademark mutton chop look and looking like a wild, virile hero with superhuman strength – which, of course, is precisely what he is. What’s the lesson here? If ye wanna be a masculine marauder of the seven seas with superhuman strength, then ye need to grow a beard!

Feel free to quote Cap’n Jim should some flabby landlubber question yer membership in the beard-wearing community.

May fair winds always fill yer sails.


The Cap’n        

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