Today I have a story for you. The mighty tale of how I, Cap’n Jim, defeated the scourge of every bearded swashbuckler. That’s right, I went beard to baby-chin with a clean-shaven landlubber. Here is what happened:
The Cap’n and his crew – after successfully marauding their way across the Seven Seas – docked in a port to rest, relax, restock… and make merry with some busty wenches. Whenever the Cap’n and his fellow pirates arrive anywhere, the scene is always the same – townsfolk come and gawk and applaud. You know, the truth is, at heart they all want to be pirates and partake in the Cap’n’s adventures.
As the Cap’n and his merry pirates stride down cobblestone streets, sturdy lads clap and follow, less sturdy lasses throw their handkerchiefs, fathers lock up their daughters, and pub owners carry barrels of ale into their respected establishments. It’s a sight of beauty.
On this particular day, however, at the end of that cobblestone street stood a hulking, clean-shaven landlubber – he almost looked like an Austrian bodybuilder before he was way past his prime. The landlubber, jealous of all the adoration the pirates received from the townsfolk, scowled. A lot. In fact, he scowled so much, his quite flexible nostrils protruded from his face in strange shapes. Finally, the landlubber couldn’t take it anymore and he spoke: “Bearded Pirate!” said he “Ye think the cat on yer mug makes ye handsome, don’t ye?” The Cap’n responded: “Matey, I don’t think. I know.” And that be the truth. The Cap’n doesn’t like to think. No good can come of it. And it ruins a good pitcher of rum.
The landlubber didn’t like that. He said: “I think a beard be stupid. Ye trap food in it and it gets mighty warm in summer.” Yer Cap’n told him: “Matey, look at the reception I and my bearded pirates get. Ye know why everyone admires us? It’s ‘cause of the beards. They be a sign of our manliness. Wherever we go, they arrive first to tell of our arrival and of the kinds of brave buccaneers we are. That’s why the townspeople line the side of the street to greet our arrival.”
The clean-shaven landlubber’s nostrils were dancing the Lindy Hop now as he brayed: “I challenge you! Bearded pirate Cap’n scourge. Let’s duel! A duel between the beard and the smooth chin.” The Cap’n laughed and laughed and laughed. He hadn’t been challenged to a duel in many moons and thought he might quite like the experience. After all, it’s always good to be able to show off one’s manliness. The brave Cap’n readily agreed to meet his foe in battle.
What should the instrument of choice be? The landlubber drew a sword and then, no doubt attempting to intimidate the Cap’n and impress the viewing public, he slashed the air with almost-impressive accuracy. His nostrils had now moved on to gymnastics. The townsfolk stared at the spectacle in front of them. Almost worried for the mighty pirate Cap’n.
Yer Cap’n yawned at the landlubber’s ballet moves. He reached into his pocket, but not to pull out a sword or some other kind of weapon; instead, he removed his tube of Blackbeard for Men. He held it high up in the air. The townsfolk gasped at the sheer beauty and majesty of it. The gleaming sun bounced off of the Blackbeard tube and hit the landlubber’s jerking nostrils so forcefully that they got burned. The landlubber dropped his sword in shock. He wailed – it sounded like a high-pitched cat’s meow when said cat is in heat – and shielded his now paralyzed nostrils from the deadly rays of the sun. Tears gushed down his cheeks and, no doubt, helped soothe his fiery nostrils. When he finally removed his hands from his face… well, ‘twas not a pretty sight. The townsfolk couldn’t help but laugh at the hapless landlubber who ran away in shame.
And this is how the Cap’n defeated the clean-shaven landlubber: In the same way the Cap’n defeats all of his enemies – with his trusted tube of Blackbeard for Men!
May ye have a merry week and fair winds!