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Cap'n Jim with a Guinness

Father's Day Gifts!

Ahoy, Lads!

It’s June! Time flies like our vessel glides across the waves – or maybe it just feels that way ‘cause the last bottle of rum I drank was bad. Anyway, swashbucklers, Father’s Day is comin’ upon us rapidly. What does that mean for ye, fierce buccaneers? Well, yer offspring waitin’ for ye on shore is tryin’ to think of something to give to ye.

Capn'n Jim and Cheecho

To avoid a gift disaster, ye should make sure yer little ones know that ye don’t wear ties. Yer a fierce warrior, after all. Those don’t need ties, they’ve got their wits and their strength and their courage. Next, ye gotta tell ‘em that ye’ don’t need socks either and to please forget about the aftershave – ye don’t shave!

The Cap’n suggests ye make a list of things to NOT even consider getting ye. Tell ‘em you’ll make ‘em walk the plank if they do:

  • Nothin’ that says “World’s Best Dad” on it. Just cheesy! Now, gettin’ something that says “World’s Best Pirate” is a whole other story.
  • Disposable gas neutralizers for the butt as well as emergency underpants dispensers are a no-no. (Even though the Cap’n finds them quite helpful at times.)
  • Have ye’ seen the “Dad Visor?” It comes with fake hair attached. Don’t ask. Just make sure yer offspring doesn’t buy it for ye’.
  • The same goes for “bacon cologne” – it exists… and yer ship’s Chihuahua will be very happy if ye get it. But he won’t leave you alone… ever again. Don’t ask me how I know this.

Now, ye’ may wonder what ye should request from yer offspring for Father’s Day. One would hope yer already well-supplied with rum as well as Blackbeard for Men. After all, those are the most important items for any self-respecting pirate. So how about ye’ll go and simply have a great time with the family during yer Father’s Day shore leave? After all, it’s not about the fancy mug ye drink yer booze out of but the companions ye drink yer booze with.


The Cap’n

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