As I’m sure you’ve noticed, bearded treasure abounds all around you. Every buccaneer and swashbuckler seems to have their own line of beard products: beard oils, beard waxes, beard conditioners – if ye can put the word “beard” in front of a grooming product it exists (in a few hundred varieties). And all of these products will cost you many of your hard-marauded doubloons.
Now, ye know what the little seagulls say about yours truly, the Cap’n. That’s right! “Cheap, cheap, cheap.” And I hope you, my fellow pirates, are the same and won’t be bamboozled into spending your entire treasure chest on things ye don’t actually need. The Cap’n has opined on this subject before and given you cheap alternatives for every problem. (Ye can find the blog scroll here: https://blackbeardformen.com/home-remedies-beard/)
But that’s not the subject of today’s post. If ye must spend yer gold on a ruthless pirate who cooks up some concoction in his galley and sells it at a 1000% markup to you, my matey, it’s yer choice and yer gold. I can’t stop ya. However, ye should at the very least take a gander at the ingredients to make sure ye don’t end up with pimples, rashes, itches or a swollen face.
Here are the ingredients ye should be weary of:
Anything with the term sulfate on the label. They can often be found in products which purport to clean yer best asset. But what they really do is strip yer manly-man beard of moisture. Ye can end up with something that looks like a mangy squirrel on yer face instead of yer glorious beard.
Phthalates are ubiquitous. They’re used everywhere in a variety of functions such as gelling agents, lubricants, stabilizers, and emulsifying agents. Hence, ye’ll often find them in beard products. They can have side effects such as decreased sperm count, infertility and birth defects. On a label ye can spot them by designations such as: DEHP, DMP, DBP, and DEP.
Formaldehyde – ye’ve heard about that in school or on TV – it’s used to preserve things like corpses and grooming products. It can cause things like dizziness, cancer, heart palpitations… and the worst of the bunch: hair loss. Who would risk losing parts of their precious beard? It shows up on labels as DMDM and glyoxal.
Many personal care products contain petroleum jelly. Look for words like petrolatum, white petroleum, paraffin wax, paraffin oil, or liquid paraffin on the label. Ye know what it does? It prevents your pores from breathing by clogging them up. Ye know what’ll happen? Ye suddenly look like a pimply 16-year-old again – except that yer a manly-man now and the last thing ye want is to leave the house with a face full of acne.
Mateys, remember to be nice to yer best asset and it will always be nice to you. May the beard be with you!