The Cap’n has a treat for you today: a Valentine’s Day story. The Cap’n once knew a pirate lad -- let’s call him Joe – who was a very good pirate lad indeed. Joe, our pirate lad, was of the honest and hardworking sort. He was funny and chivalrous. He had a nice rum barrel full of doubloons saved up. He never went carousing with the other pirates (too much). Well, all right, he sometimes went carousing – he was a pirate after all. But he never woke up wondering where he was… or who he was… or who he was with. That very much set him apart from the other pirates on his ship.
Now, with all of those many qualifications, one would think that Pirate Joe never wanted for the lasses. The he, indeed, would have to beat all of the wenches off with a broomstick ‘cause they were so eager to get to know Joe. But no such luck. Quite the opposite, in fact. Poor Joe was lonely. Very lonely. Not only did those wenches not beat down his door, they actively ignored him. And when he tried to approach a pretty lass – in his usual polite and chivalrous way – she showed him the cold shoulder.
‘Twas really hard on our Joe. He looked at his mates as they wandered off with a new lassie every night. He looked at some other mates who had a devoted wench waiting for them at home with a warm meal and a bottle of ale. He looked at yet other mates who had one of those in every port. And then he looked at himself. Alone. And was distraught. The holidays were especially bad for our Joe. Everyone had someone. Except Joe. And of all those holidays, Valentine’s Day was the hardest ‘cause it’s the holiday that celebrates romantic love. But if ye don’t have that, ye got nothing to celebrate.
One day, the Cap’n came across our Joe in a pub crying into his ale. The Cap’n asked him why and Joe shared his tale of woe. The Cap’n being the Cap’n of course had the answer to all of Joe’s problems. After all, that’s why the Cap’n disseminates his messages in a bottle on a regular basis – not only because he likes to hear himself talk, but also because he’s usually right. (And oh so humble.)
This is what the Cap’n told our friend Pirate Joe: Laddie, laddie, laddie (that’s how the Cap’n usually starts a good advice monologue – even when sometimes those monologues are soliloquies) don’t despair. You’re a good lad. The lassies would be lucky to have ye. Here’s the problem, they don’t know that. They look at you and they see… well, gray. It’s in yer beard. It’s in yer mustache. It’s in yer eyebrows. Who wants to date Santa Claus? To get to know ye, they need to give ye a chance. They don’t give ye a chance now ‘cause they look at you and see someone old. They may be thinkin’ ‘well, he’s a bit long in the tooth and no other wench has picked him up yet. There must be something wrong with him.’
Here is the solution, our intrepid Cap’n continued, and he handed him a tube of Blackbeard for Men. (Now, lads and ladies, if yer readin’ this, and didn’t know where this was going, I really don’t know what to do with ye.) The Cap’n explained all of the wonders of Blackbeard for Men to Pirate Joe. Our wee pirate lad immediately tried it out and, lo and behold, he was a graybeard no more. Instead, he was strapping Pirate Joe. Once all the wenches discovered that he wasn’t only strappin’ but also really decent, he, indeed, had to fend them off in every port.
Henceforth, Pirate Joe was nevermore alone and always happy. And such is the power of Blackbeard for Men. The Cap’n and his crew have a Valentine’s Day sale going on right now. Swashbucklers, buccaneers, pirates, take advantage of it and you, too, will be surrounded by adoring lassies.
Happy Valentine’s Day!