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Monthly Archives: January 2018

New Year. New Beard. New You.

New Year. New Beard. New You.

Ahoy, Mateys!

‘Tis a brand new year. Again! Sometimes, when I sit in my cabin at night sanding down the splinters in my peg leg, I wonder how time flies so quickly. One day, yer a young whipper snapper and the next yer an old sea dog. Mind ye, not that people know that I’m on old sea dog. That’s why I got my Blackbeard for Men. Sorry, mates, the rum always makes me go off on tangents. New Year. Right.

If yer like me, every year ye try to improve yerself. (Of course, I’m darn near perfect… and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.) You nitpick the things ye think ye can do better or you look in the mirror and decide ye should change this or that about your appearance.  You know how it goes.

It occurred to me – yeah, sometimes things occur to the Cap’n (it’s like catching lightning in a barrel of rum) – that maybe I shouldn’t opine meself. Maybe I should ask other pirates about what important improvements I should aim for.  And who better to ask then some smart and sassy pirate ladies. After all, ladies always seem to know exactly what a pirate needs to do to become… better.


Here is what they had to say about yours truly:

Pirate Lady 1 (a sassy wench I was carousing with in the harbor): “Use deodorant.”

Pirate Lady 2 (a fellow Cap’n who swooped in on a merchant vessel I was stalkin’): “Use yer brain.”

Pirate Lady 3 (a handy barber’s assistant): “Cap’n Jim. What a marvelous beard ye got. And yer color. So vibrant. I think yer darn near perfect.”



Anyway, this here Cap’n interpreted everything thus: “I might get lots of things wrong. Ye know, sometimes ye just can’t find yer deodorant… or yer brain… but as long as I’ve got my trusted tube of Blackbeard for Men, I’m still darn near perfect.”

Hence, swashbucklers, grab yer Blackbeard and yer ready for the new and better you.

As always, the Cap’n and his crew want to hear from you. Feel free to send us a message in a bottle.


The Cap’n

Birthdays. Aargh.

Birthdays. Aargh.

Lads! As yer Cap’n writes this, I be just days away from me birthday. Not sure why we celebrate this day. Who wants to be a year older? Let’s face it, with the exception of the ultra-rich and the globalist elites who seem curiously impervious to meeting their maker, all of us kick the proverbial… Continue Reading

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